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How to survive 'pester power': 7 expert negotiation tips for parents

Written by Rachel Massey

As the seasonal toy-advertising blitz reaches its peak, parents are under substantial pressure to overspend on presents. Research revealed that, on average, parents will spend £420 per child on Christmas presents, and that one in seven of us will go into debt to cover the cost of the festive season. So, are we all slaves to our children's desires? Certainly, it looks as though we have lost the power to say "no", even if buying a particular toy will push us into debt. Rachel Massey, Director of Marketing at Huthwaite International, offers some crucial negotiation tips so you can avoid ‘pester power’ during the festive period.

Part of the problem is that it is already a little late to start negotiating. Children have been sold the idea of Christmas as a time of presents, and are then somehow expected to understand that giving is limited. This year, they may be pestering you for the latest toys and gadgets, but if you can manage their expectations and learn to negotiate with them – you can ensure you’ll be able to under-promise and over-deliver on the gift giving.

For those who feel that saying "no" is an act of cruelty, or else cannot face the inevitable tantrums, help is at hand. Huthwaite has devised a set of principles, developed in the business field that can be applied to parenting.

1. Don't start negotiating too early in the year

Parents will start saying: "If you do that, maybe Santa will bring you..." whatever it is. The trouble is that children don’t always understand the word "maybe". Early intervention prevents "expectation inflation".

Take some time to discuss the financial realities of the season with your children (in age-appropriate language), so they begin to grasp the financial toll it can take. You could even get them involved in creating a Christmas budget, with them prioritising their most desired gifts. 

Just as businesses set clear scope and expectations at the start of a project, parents can set gift expectations early, preventing last-minute pressure tactics.

2. Avoid agreeing on issues one by one

If you have made gradual concessions, you will have nothing left to bargain with. 

As you would in a discussion at the negotiating table, set clear non-negotiable boundaries and stand your ground when they push these – as little ones tend to do! Once these boundaries have been set, make sure you avoid impulse buying/reactive purchasing that goes against them.

Like preserving negotiation leverage in business deals, parents maintain their negotiating power by not immediately capitulating to every demand.

3. Power is a perception

You have to think: "How much power does this child have?" They may make your life misery for an hour or two, but they won't run away or disown you if they don't get the right present.

Make sure you stay calm during potential tantrums and use your active listening skills to validate children's feelings – without accepting unreasonable demands. By doing this, you're also helping to develop your child's emotional regulation skills.

While business negotiators maintain composure and control, parents can also manage emotional landscapes without surrendering their core position.

4. Don't just concede

Talk about trading (this applies to older children). Youngsters need to learn that life is about trade-offs and compromise. You might say: "We'll get you the PlayStation, but you have to buy the games."

You can use this time to develop collaborative decision-making processes and reward creative problem solving, giving the children the opportunity to propose a different solution. This way, parent-child interactions can become collaborative problem-solving experiences.

5. Parents on a tight budget can sound inflexible

It's better to establish a best case (the least you can spend and still give your child a good Christmas) and a worst (the most you can spend), and within that range, a target figure. This allows room for manoeuvre, and you stay on top of spending.

Take the opportunity to involve children in budgeting discussions and teach them some basic financial literacy. You could introduce cash envelopes so the children can keep track of spending and feel a little more in control – all while maintaining the magic of Christmas and of giving to others.

6. Think about levers

One definition of a lever is something that costs you less than the value the other party places on it. Organise treats that don't cost much but are of high value to the child, such as a visit to a loved friend or a day out.

It's a great time to create memorable experiences with your children, instead of simply buying more stuff that you'll ultimately recycle or send to the charity shop. Spend quality time together making handmade gifts for your loved ones and teach them appreciation.

7. Logic is not persuasive

Humans are not logical, and small ones even less so. Avoid giving long chains of reasons. If you must decline a request, state a single strong reason.

In the endless bright lights of our own American-style malls, these tips might just offer parents the strength to resist a tug at the elbow - or a full-blown tantrum.

The holiday season is about much more than a transaction. It represents a profound opportunity for parents to teach valuable life lessons about value, relationships, and personal growth. The negotiation strategies we've discussed are not about winning or losing, but about creating meaningful dialogue and mutual understanding between parents and children.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

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